Ramblings

Dykstra mullet. Because its Friday and I feel like it.

- I’m trying to pay as little attention as possible to the Barry Bonds perjury trial but its tough not to keep an eye on someone you loathe getting raked over the coals on national television. The fact that California is even spending a dollar on this is completely absurd, but since they are you may like to know that apparently in the next week or so the prosecution will be trotting out Bonds’ former mistress who will testify as to the size of his rapidly shrinking testicles during the time period in question. That slapping sound you hear is Mrs. Bonds’ marriage counselor giving high fives to anyone who wants one. Cha-ching.

- I am outraged at the amount of outrage over the NFL’s new kickoff rule. I heard a San Diego Chargers fan call into ESPN radio and complain that they are taking away the most exciting play in football. What a moron. Will anyone benefit from this rule change more than the historically bad special teams unit of the Chargers? How is watching the Josh Cribbs and Devin Hesters of the world waltz in for a free 6 points every game fun for you? You’re an idiot. (SIDEBAR: Since we will now be watching 92% touchbacks, do you think CBS and FOX will stick with the much-maligned scoring play, commercial, kickoff, right back to commercial sequence? That would mean 7 minutes of commercials sandwiching a play in which the ball bounces out of the back of the end zone. I think America will revolt)

- How much money did Jimmer lose himself last night? Yeesh. Two thoughts on Jimmer: (1) Every time I hear his name I immediately think the speaker is referring to someone Elaine dated on Seinfeld. (2) I feel as though I would like Jimmer a lot more if he was more of a prick. Mormon basketball players are more enjoyable to watch when they act like huge dickheads on the court like Danny Ainge used to. It kind of throws you off when a guy who isn’t allowed to drink Pepsi gets in your grill and starts talking trash. Jimmer, if you need some help with learning how to run your mouth let me know. It’s the only basketball skill from high school that I retained.

- If I were the all-powerful commissioner of sports for the day, I would make all football and basketball coaches from the professional level down to mid-major college conferences take a wonderlic-style test that evaluates clock/game management skill in a head-to-head format. In my bracket, however, the losers advance, eventually giving you the two most horrific clock/game managers facing off in the finals. Is there any doubt this matchup is Rick Barnes vs. Andy Reid?

- Lawrence Taylor was sentenced to 6 years probation for sleeping with a 16 year-old prostitute. Sixteen. So she’s like, what, six months older than Mark Sanchez’s girlfriend?

Happy Friday to all of our G.M. followers. Remember not to stare directly at your bracket when it melts down at some point this weekend.

And don't react like this, either.